Lindsay Lohan's meteoric rise to fame, and subsequent collapse in the glare of its harsh spotlight, is just a recent iteration of a tale as old as time. Many are quick to judge her, but in a world where the lines between tabloid news and honest journalism are increasingly blurry -- excuse me? Say what now? Who? Oh, my mistake. Yes, I see.

The Story of a Teenage Drug Addict is the story of a teenager with plenty of reasons to become a drug addict. Everyone insists on calling him a teenager and making him attend high school, despite his obvious age of 40. He lives in a shoebox of a tenement apartment with his corpse-like mother, trading stories about why dad left in their constantly-shifting New York-ish accents. And, perhaps most damning of all, he has a unibrow that would make Captain Caveman blush. Unga bunga, indeed.

With circumstances like these, what chance does our protagonist have against the temptations of dope, H, uppers, downers, sidewinders, lefties, righties, Betty Boopers, flim-flam-dongs and other fake drugs of the past? Will he turn back from the brink in time, or be consumed by a life of late night jazz parties with unfortunate-looking teens? Where on Earth are his tweezers?

Learn the answers to these questions and try to achieve a contact high with Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they turn the grim pages of The Story of a Teenage Drug Addict!