Mike's Picks (2016)

The children in this educational short are filled with thermite-hot rage over a minor jump rope disagreement. Just when you are certain it’s going to end via a Tarantino-esque gun circle, it resolves thanks to a cool headed 50’s narrator.

The titular cop is played by sort of a proto-Tommy Wiseau with two major differences: you can mostly understand his dialogue and his hair is gorgeous. I mean Megan Fox-before-everything-went-wrong gorgeous. Except for the scenes they filmed later when he’d obviously got it cut off and he wore an eleven dollar drugstore wig.

Screening this short in the RiffTrax offices provided everyone in the room with perhaps our biggest laugh in the history of screening. Let’s just say it involves an elderly woman and her unusual mode of transportation and let you discover it yourself.

Don “The Dragon” Wilson “stars” (as long as we’re putting quotes around things…) in this, let’s see, what’s another word for “homage”...? Sad, almost poignantly inept rip-off of Terminator. Yes, that’s the word I was looking for. My favorite character in it is Guy Who Sometimes Has an Australian Accent and Sometimes Does Not.

It’s Road House on bikes. Sure, The Boz is no Patrick Swayze, but Lance Henriksen is every bit the equal of Sam Elliott -- and I do not say that lightly! The ending action sequence is so utterly absurd and over the top that even Michael Bay said, “Whoa, guys -- that is too much!”

Two words: Lash LaRue. Okay, a few more words now that I’ve heard you say, “What the hell is a Lash LaRue?!” He was, evidently, a whip wielding old-timey cowboy and he’s in this movie, kind of. It mostly stars a sharp shooting woman who wears the Guinness Book of World Record certified Shortest Fringe Dress.

Barry Bostwick’s upsetting lower jumpsuit area.