Offerings

If you proudly announced that you’d invented your own holiday where people put up spooky decorations, kids wore costumes, and everyone handed out candy, people would say “Hey! You didn’t invent that holiday! You just ripped off Halloween!” And then you’d be run out of the Holiday Inventors convention or wherever one goes to unveil made-up holidays in this scenario we’ve constructed for comedic purposes. We’d like to think that the maker of Offerings got the same response when he unveiled his movie. “Hey! You just ripped off Halloween!”

John is a little boy who doesn’t speak. One day, some mean neighborhood kids challenge him to “walk the well” — stand on the edge of an abandoned well and walk a complete circle around it. This is also how the custody battle was settled in the original cut of Kramer vs Kramer.

John gets startled, falls in, and we probably don’t need to tell you what happens next: he gets locked up in an insane asylum for ten years, and emerges as an unstoppable killing machine hellbent on revenge. That’s just how wells work! 

One by one, the bullies find themselves on the receiving end of John’s wrath. Said wrath exists on a spectrum from “being hideously murdered” to “eating pizza where the sausage may be ground-up bully.” Look, the latter isn’t exactly pleasant, but we know which one we’d choose! The only person who escapes John’s wrath is the one girl who was kind to him as a child, and it just so happens that her parents are out of town. Perhaps they’re visiting Jamie Lee Curtis…

There’s only two ways to ward off Michael Myers rip-offs: put up one of those twelve-foot tall Home Depot skeletons or watch this riff of Offerings with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. We know which one your HOA would prefer!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason, Jason Miller, and Zachary Shatzer