A Talent for Tony

Ben Franklin* once said that only three things could be certain: death, taxes, and RiffTrax shorts putting children in extreme peril.

It’s probably his second-most-famous quote, after “I bomb atomically, Socrates philosophies and hypotheses.” We’ve subjected children to bedroom intruding strangers named Mr. X, attempted to drown them, actually drowned them, let drunk moms drive them around, and one time just threw one off a damn cliff.

But none of these kids were ever in real danger. There was a responsible employee of the Coronet or Jam Handy corporation standing by to throw the child actor a life preserver, or perhaps an intern from ACI that could disinterestedly toss the kid a pack of cigarettes. But Tony… Tony’s life was more at risk than Bandit’s. 

Tony is the youngest son of an artist who is inexplicably living in an opulent, swinging house despite peddling his wares at the type of neighborhood art market where you typically can buy gross handmade felted soap that somehow costs $20 or laser-cut wall art that says “It’s Wine O’Clock, bitches!” Tony’s brother and sister draw their own imagined worlds, but nobody pays Tony any mind. So he imagines his own world: One where enormous fearsome animals might tear him apart at any minute…

Look, we don’t want to ruin the surprise. But this one gets absolutely insane and could not legally be made today. So watch it, and place a little wager with your friends and family about how many “Tonys” they went through before they found one who survived!

*Ever think about how bad Ben Franklin probably smelled? Well you’re about thinking it now!