At Rifftrax.com, the former stars and writers of Mystery Science Theater 3000 take on the worst movies of yesterday and today. But it’s like the Dutch boy trying to plug a dam with his thumb, we can’t hit everything (also it’s still impossible to stick your thumb in the internet - thanks for nothing, science). This year’s crop of crap was even healthier than usual, so we decided to ask our fans to rank the 10 worst. Thanks to their 500,000 responses, we’ve got the list.
In this prequel to the Alien films, explorers find clues to the origin of our species, which, big surprise, was outsourced to a foreign planet. The explorers find strange pods that contain fertile alien goop and for the love of God, when are explorers going to learn to stay away from strange pods?! Turns out that the expedition has been co-opted by their corporate overlords and for the love of God when are explorers going to stop trusting corporate overlords?! The best thing we learn from Prometheus is that Charlize Theron looks really neat even in a jumpsuit and a pair of Uggs.
9. John Carter
Handsome John Carter finds himself transported to mars by the usual method, enchanted jewelry. He encounters tall, skinny Avatar knockoffs, makes enemies out of almost everybody and wins the love of a big gloppy dog-like thing that resembles the Mucinex mascot. He also discovers that he can jump really high, see, 'cause he's on Mars, which means he can jump really high, and he does so, about eleven jillion times. If you're a fan of timeless, protean science fiction, do yourself a big favor and read the books.
8. Snow White and the Huntsman
Kristen Stewart in a two hour-plus retelling of a fairy tale whose basic plot can be laid out in under twenty-five seconds? Thank you, but I think I’d almost rather watch a two hour-plus speech on fiscal policy from Utah Governor Jon Huntsman!
7. Total Recall
Colin Farrell makes at least one movie a year that you’ll never see, and even if you accidentally do see it, will not remember having done so; and this is one of them. Co-starring Kate Beckinsale, who has made nothing but movies you haven’t seen. The point is you’d need to go to some firm that would, for a price, implant the memory of having seen this film in order to see it, and no one has or ever will do that.
6. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Okay, Lincoln might have been an OK president, and it was nice of him to have a birthday so some of us could all get a day off in February. But really -- a movie about Abraham Lincoln? In the year 2012? BORING. Luckily, the people behind AL:VH realized that a straight-up historical movie about Honest Abe could never get made -- and that even if for some freaky reason it did get made, it would be universally panned, and utter box office poison. So they added a super-clever mythical dimension to Lincoln’s story, making him (as the title subtly suggests) a vampire hunter, thus ensuring that the one and only Lincoln movie made in 2012 was a smash with audiences and studios alike! Sarcasm!
5. Paranormal Activity 4
After reaching movie number four, the Paranormal Activity series is now competing with the SAW films to answer the question: how long can cynical producers stretch dopey horror premises to keep ringing up the sequel ka-ching? The P.A. series has always been short on the “activity” part, trying instead to make scary moments out of shaky “found footage” where -- gasp! -- things move a little! ...And ‘cause it’s on video it’s really real! The only thing that has changed for the better since the first Paranormal Activity: the absence of super-annoying yuppie Micah. (To all Micah fans: apologies. But you don’t really exist, so whatever.)
4. That's My Boy
“Wouldn’t it be funny if Andy Samberg played Adam Sandler’s son? Because their names are kinda similar, and they were both on SNL!” You have to assume that was the beginning and ending of the pitch for this joyless lump. But it looked like Sandler and his pals were having a great time on set, and hey, isn’t that what it’s really all about? (It isn’t.)
3. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
The sequel you never saw to the movie you never saw about the Marvel character you never cared about, starring the Oscar winner who went insane. This movie took the idea of 3D immersion to a new level by causing audience members’ skulls to actually burst into flame.
Fans of Friday Night Lights have been stunned that the cast of their beloved show which hardly anybody watched and was pretty much cancelled three times during its five seasons have been unable to transition to successful film careers. Tim Riggins and Landy give it a go in Battleship, and the results were as grim as could be expected. We propose that regarding Battleship, we all employ the same tactic that Friday Night Lights did when Landry killed a guy: sort of let a bit of time pass, stop talking about it, then just act like it never happened in the first place.
1. Breaking Dawn Part 2
Was there any doubt? The saga (in the same sense that the game of Doodle Jump you played while sitting on the can is a “Saga”) has come to an end. The Volturi will no longer find things “Remarkable”. Jacob has fallen in love with his last baby. Team Mustache Dad has hung up their six pack of Ranier (empty). But while all of us here at RiffTrax desperately wait to sink our teeth into the Fifty Shades of Grey film adaptation, we’ll leave you with this final chilling thought: They rebooted the Spider-Man series after just five years.
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