At its heart, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a love story. A love story between two dogs, Mojo and Frankie, who are shown humping several times in the first fifteen minutes of the movie*. Stunningly, this remains a highlight over the next two hours of movie. We don't see much of the dogs after their owner, Shia LaBeouf, leaves for college, but we found our thoughts frequently drifting back to them as the human characters dropped their pants, ran into things, and stammered incoherently. Who was feeding the dogs? Were they getting along with the other dogs at the dog park? How was Frankie adapting to the new diet the vet had put him on back in June?
Sadly, these questions go unanswered. In fact, any question you may have regarding Transformers will go unanswered, because Transformers movies are not in the business of answering your questions. Transformers movies are like the street corner rantings of a tinfoil hat wearing lunatic. You don't expect that guy to actually stop and explain to you what he meant by "The IRS built Yellowstone National Park on the same evening 180 years ago that the Lizard People shot down Sputnik with a rifle made from Avogadro's Number!" You just slink past him and try to wash the spittle off of your jacket when you get home. The same applies for Transformers. Don't you dare ask it "How did these characters whose names I don't know get to this location and what is their purpose once they get there and who is punching who right now?" Just lie back and think of the dogs. Focus on the dogs...Always on the dogs...
The tinfoil hat guy gave Mike, Kevin and Bill's riffing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen two thumbs up, a rating he had previously only given to a shopping cart wheel that he believed influenced the 2004 presidential election.
*This is not a joke