.zzzz...zzzzz....zzhearme....zzzccchhhh...freqzzffg...*voip* Can you hear me? Ah, there we go. Finally. Hello out there. I've finally managed to get my digital receiver plugged into my text transmitter, and I should be contacting you via RSS Feed and/or some Twitter-like communication device. Isn't technology wonderful? We have finally reached the point where we have, at our fingertips, the ability to connect to people all across the globe (and one day, beyond), and the best we can come up with is a way for all of you out there can find out what I had for lunch this afternoon (or, in a related story, what I left in the bathroom after lunch)! See, this is why I like to stay in my underground bunker, with my movies fed to me via pneumatic tube form the surface; dealing with society at large is only a distraction. Sure, the guys at the government research station informed me that I could leave at any time, that my shift ended five years ago and I really should do other things, but I stayed. Because I care. Even if it destroys me, I will make sure nobody ever has to watch another film in tears, wondering why the entertainment industry has such blatant disregard for their intelligence and well-being. Thus I sit here, now armed with new ways to inform you of the "Care Packages" I am releasing, as well as any other interesting news cropping up on the radar. Take heed, for these communiques could very well keep your sanity, nay, your life, from being ripped apart by forces stronger than any of us.

Plus, my commanding officer insisted it would be a good way to check up on me and make sure I haven't starved to death. No worries; not only will these Snack Cakes last for a millenium, they make an excellent chair if you know how to stack 'em.

Though future releases will come under this group's heading, be aware that I have 4 previous titles: Mortal Kombat, An American Werewolf in Paris, Hackers, and Doom. Under no circumstances, repeat, NO circumstances should you approach these films without the protective buffer of these mp3s. They are intended for your safety. Do not let them fall into enemy hands: they contain codes that will allow the enemy to withstand even the toughest onslaughts. Not even Ben Affleck or Shia LaBeouf would be able to hold them back!

Wait...receiving information from headquarters...a rocket has been launched into space that contains the film The Ice Pirates! Some terrorist group is claiming they snuck the movie onto the ship in order to...let's see..."Seek out and annoy intelligent life!" What's the cast list? Robert Urich...a pre-Beauty and the Beast Ron Perlman...*gasp* John Carradine in a bit role! What's this thing about? "A group of pirates steal ice from a fleet of Templars...yadda yadda...nearly castrated...robot pimps...giant skull cars...Amazon women riding unicorns...Space Herpes...time warps...oh, dear God! Bruce Vilanch! I have to stop this thing! Where's my cryogenic escape pod? It must be around here somewhere...er, this might take awhile. In the meantime, hang tight...I will let you know when I'm ready to launch!