In this, Ice on Mars' much anticipated* second movie release after TWILIGHT, we continue our trend of tackling tween tales of truly terrifying tackiness. This time, though (shush, T!) we even went further down the age scale and went for the Hilary Duff vehicle THE LIZZIE McGUIRE MOVIE. Even if you have no children, were born before 1980 and never watch the Disney Channel (like me!) you've probably seen Lizzie memorabilia here and there and wondered, 'WTF? Is that Hannah Montana?' or something similar. Well, get ready to embark upon a magical roller coaster ride of wonder and whimsy!**
You might notice the explicit content notice over there at the side. That's because this riff is, in fact, VERY dirty. Down and dirty like the dirty dozen, in fact. If this were to be rated on a dirty scale, we would probably clock in at at least a dirty gross. To see just how dirty, try the sample (more available under YouTube username zenmichael). If foul language doesn't bother you and the riff appeals to you, then come along with Lizzie, Gordo, Kate and the voice of the wife on "Family Guy" for a fun-filled, action packed adventure to Rome!***
Also enjoy a short about soap box derbies! Yes, that's right, all Ice on Mars film presentations will from now on feature VOD content in some form or another, whether it be the entire film or a short. That's the plan, at least. Featuring very short, almost, you might call them, "test" host segments. We have no conceit for us to be riffing except that we're riffing. But it's there!
Joining the ubiquitous Michael T Bradley for this filthy outing is Ari Dennis, star of stage and screen.****
As always, we are not in any way supported by NASA, though my mom still likes me (but seriously, Mom, sit this one out).*****
*Hello! This is Michael's transcriber here. It gets really boring doing these things. I keep telling Michael he should put a joke or two in, but NO, he says, "I'm going to make them pay for every single laugh. They can't even have a chortle for free." Then he laughs and sucks down another sixer of Pabst. Anyway, I thought I'd take this opportunity to say hi and let you know I'm single and on the lookout! So, ladies, if you're into WoW and water sports (not the jet ski kind), please respond via iRiff mail! Rawr! Also, no fatties.
**Okay, so I guess I need to be a little clearer about my requirements from a woman. When I say "no fatties," that doesn't mean, "only do not contact me if you're wheezing and gasping your death rattle from your morbid obesity," that means, if your dress size is a double digit, DON'T INVITE ME OUT! Do you really think I want to see your bovine maw shoveling in food like a steam train? You think that gets me in the mood? IT DOESN'T. Fanfic involving Megan Fox drinking 12 glasses of water in a one-hour period does. If you can't at least come decently close to fulfilling this fantasy, please STAY HOME with your "Desperate Housewives" reruns and your Hostess cupcakes. Thank you.
***Sigh. Look, is it going to take more honesty from me to get all you Fatty McFats to stop trying to hook up with me? Fine. I'm balding, slightly overweight, mid-30s, I have a three and a half inch penis and bladder control like you wouldn't BELIEVE. Why is this so difficult? Are you all retarded? I'm about ready to give up on this iRiff footnotes-as-singles-column method pretty soon if I don't start seeing some results soon.
****Whilst I'm contemplating what to do about the sudden dearth of ANY responses, just a quick note to let you know this IS true, though "star" is perhaps stretching it. She was, however, an extra in a "Halloweentown" movie and "High School Musical."
*****All I have now is this knife and my memories. You bastards. You're all bast
PS: A couple of covers from talented people who enjoyed this riff!
http://pslowner.smugmug.com/Rifftrax-DVD-Covers/Rifftrax-Covers/2505605_...
and:
http://riffage.nwbagpiper.com/photos/thumbnails.php?album=19 (then go to pages 4 & 5)
Comments
Ice on Mars's riffing of this film is so far into the 'blue' its damn near indigo! Oh, and it is absolutely hilarious as well.
The contrast between the saccharine nature of the film and the 'salty' style of the riffing results in a delicious riff, as any chef will tell you: salty and sweet go together really well.
The subject line is not reflective of the riff, but of the movie. Lizzie McGuire is possibly the most boring and milquetoast character and this movie is absolutely dreadful. So, of course, this kids oriented snorefest deserves to be riffed in the most vulgar and profane way. And, it works very well. The adult nature of the riff contrasts wonderfully with the boring kid friendly tone of the movie. Michael and Ari give Lizzie the pounding she deserves, in more way than one! I'd recommend this riff to anyone with any sort of vulgarity fetish... or to anyone who is just a fan of having an uncensored good time.
This Movie Could Really Use a Montage or Two
It took me a while to get around to this one, but I’m stoked I finally checked it out. This is just fucking great! There are obviously people who are not going to go for this, but if you’re one of those people, you most likely didn’t get past the sample. If you’re like me and there’s a dark, perverted side to your sense of humor, I have a feeling you will really enjoy this. This riff pulls no punches and that’s one of the reasons I liked it so much. Just when you think they can’t go any further, they do. Oh yes, they go there…and there, and there and everywhere. But don’t get me wrong, the jokes aren’t just filthy, they’re smart and savvy.
Smart and savvy is also a good way to describe the riffers. What a great performance! The chemistry is off the charts. It sounds as if these two have been doing this forever. They are so in sync with each other and having such a good time while delivering winner after winner. A particular performance standout is Ari as Alex Bornstein as the Principal…classic! Michael’s self-deprecating comments regarding his varying accent are also really funny. And the constant mocking of Lizzie’s dolphin noises is great. It’s one of those things that you’d think would get old but the rate at which the actress employs it just heightens the hilarity. These guys have a really good eye, too. There are quite a few riffs on props or stuff going on in the background that you would never notice.
Oh yeah, I CAN’T BELIEVE I WATCHED THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE!!!
Favorite laugh-out-loud moments (out of so many):
The switch to the ‘real’ commentary
Escalating clichéd movie lines ending with Brokeback Mountain
Cats intro
Lodged Tupperware
Stand-up routine
Principal’s box monologue
Benadryl!!!
Jaundice!!!
Six Flags!
I highly recommend this iRiff. And a note to the riffers: PLEASE do another movie in this genre. It seems as if Hannah Montana or something like that would make for perfect fodder.
Oh, and keep the track running at the end. There are hilarious bloopers and a really funny bit that’s just the two riffers chatting. The fast-food commercial stuff had me rollin’!
Did I mention there’s a short that comes with this?!? This is well, well worth the price of admission.
Blue humor and Lizzie McGuire are a match made in riff heaven. This is and will always be, one of my all time favorite riffs, this films sucks on the blandest of levels. The only way I would ever have watched it is if it were riffed. That said, kids humor and adult content are a total win in my opinion, it was a sick and twisted riff and I was left wanting more. Please do more kids movies Ice On Mars, the world needs your style of sick and perverse humor. I love it and I love you guys. Brav to the fucking o.
Well, that was very, very funny. So hilarious! Quite rude as well. RUDER THAN MST3K!
I have to agree with you. Lizzie squeaked a lot. (squeaks) I knew when the joke was coming but I still found it funny.
You should do The Hannah Montana Movie or possibly some of the Lizzie McGuire, That's So Raven and Hannah Montana episodes. (available on DVD somehow.)
This is my first Rifftrax I ever downloaded and I've never been so welcomed than what I've seen from the samples. Thank you and do think about the other Disney stuff.
But do you think the bloopers was a bit long? I watched it later at night here in the UK and I wanted to get to sleep. Could have done with a seperate mp3. file.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!! 11/10
P.S. I struggled with that squeaky voice's lines. It sounded too slow for the film. But I did edit a copy of the film off YouTube myself because I didn't want to buy it on DVD. So maybe my fault?
P.P.S. I've been trying to get hold of you on Twitter. Do you know if Ari Dennis is on Twitter? So Funny!
thank you for such a detailed and really glowing review. it's stuff like this we riffers live for. it was really difficult at times to gauge whether the riffs were "just" blue, or if they were blue but still funny. i'm glad we rode that razor's edge for you (i'm sure there are some for whom it did not work). from what i recall, ari's only writing on this riff (of Lizzie; she was a co-writer on the short) was the "jaundice" line so i'm glad it made it to your top LOL moments.
i'll admit, the dolphin/gagging noises DO get old for me, but then again i've probably seen the damn thing like 40 times by now.
the weird thing is the original plan was to do the Honnah Montana movie, but it wasn't out on video yet. i was lamenting to friends, 'man, if only there were a movie like that but that was decently current out,' and someone suggested the LM movie. 'did they MAKE such a thing?!?' i'd never heard of it, but sure enough, there it was! so away we went. the plan is to still eventually do HM, but that'll be a ways down the road.
Again, thanks for the review!
Wow, what a great iRiff. The movie has everything that is horrible about disney films. It needed to be sliced open and served like the turkey it is.
The riff itself is VERY raunchy. Think Eddie Murphy "Raw" raunchy. But my goodness is it FUNNY. The raunchiness of it was needed to counteract the cloying movie.
Very highly recommended.
Sure riffs of horror movies or summer blockbusters can be fun, but this is was iRiffs was made for - to take a boring cookie-cutter movie and make it into something special and wholly unique.
Not only is this riff vulgar and hilarious it has extremely high replay value.