Cinemasochism: Halloween Safety (1977)

Halloween. Next to Christmas, a child's favorite day. Getting to dress up as anything you want (with parental approval!), getting free candy from neighbors. What could be better? What could possibly go wrong? Well, according to the ever vigilant folks at Centron, A LOT.

As evilly portrayed in this educational short, Halloween is filled with all sorts of frightful pitfalls, dangerous costumes, child-hating neighbors, deadly candy and perverts waiting to lull a child into their Domain of Death.

Watch as an adorable little girl in a cute, but deadly little witch's costume is transformed by her Steven Tyler-lookalike mother into the bastard offspring of Robert Byrd. (cross and gasoline sold separately)

Children are warned to only trick or treat in groups with an adult with a rap sheet, to avoid any low-income neighborhoods, run across the street like a Mexican jumping bean on mescaline, and when they finally get home, have their parents throw way 90% of their loot.

It is enough to make a kid hide under the bed every October 31st, crying like Oprah talking about Texas beef.