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I’ve been staying up night after night, living on inky black coffee, sifting through all the data, doing Sherlock-like cerebral acrobatics, mentally bringing up dozens of floating screens full of information, Tony Stark-style, yelling into the void “No, no! Not good enough!” ...but I think I’ve finally, FINALLY cracked it. So as I stand here checking into this hospital, I proudly present to you my RiffTrax picks for 2015.
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This movie is a cheesy gift that just never stops giving: as fundamentally and delightfully bad as The Room or Birdemic. Our hero is police captain J.B. Coldyron: robotics genius, cattle rancher, blurter of analogies re skeletons making love in tin coffins. He invents some sort of “robotic cop,” if you will, and stuff goes wrong, and suddenly there’s lots of murdering. One of my favorite movies we’ve ever done! - KWM
(N.B. not to be confused with Sparta. This is NOT Sparta)
This one isn’t for the squeamish! A mid-20th century infomercial for the meat processing company Hormel, inventor of the flesh-based product Spam. You will never, ever forget the dreaded Hide Cellar. (Sounds bad, but it’s worse.)
Giant rabbits! Even better, giant rabbits ripping people to shreds! EVER BETTER, giant rabbits ripping people to shreds, plus DeForest “‘Bones’ McCoy” Kelley with a rockin’ mustache, looking like he’s dressed for a 70s key party! ...Scratch that last part, that’s not better.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking, seeing that title. “A sword AND a sorcerer? That is quite enough for me, thank you very much.” Oh, but there’s more! There’s the star of 1980s MAGNUM P.I.-wannabe show MATT HOUSTON as our hero, named Talon, though his connection to birds of prey is non-existent! So there’s that, also, FYI.
We revisited this MST3K classic short and did all new riffs on it! It was good to visit with all-powerful spring demon Clippy again. He truly owns us all and will annihilate humankind if we cross him again. [whimsical whistle sound]
Haha, kids love creating their own abominations before God and Nature. And what better material for abomination-making than clay? And of all the many, many clays available to kids, “play” clay is tops when it comes to crafting lumpy horror shows.
Come for the laughable stop-mo dinosaurs, stay for the comic relief unfrozen caveman! Also the hero’s gross sidekick, an irritable old creep literally named “Dumpy.” (Why DinosaurUS? More inclusive than DinosaurTHEM, I guess. Just trying to be positive here.)
Our favorite safety-obsessed, vaguely attractive 70s superhero returns to save an infinitesimal percentage of the world’s children from imminent death, while the vast, vast majority of the planet’s imperiled youth go unrescued from a grim finish! ...That’s how I saw it, anyway. My point is, we need a better plan. In the meantime there’s this short.